being honest and just thinking out loud.

I’ve been quiet around these parts for almost a year now. I still read the blogs that show up in my reader, and every once in a while I’ll draft something up, but I never hit “post” anymore. And that’s frankly because I’ve been lacking motivation for working out for what feels like forever.

If I’m being honest, it happened before I even toed the line for the Chicago Marathon last October. In fact, it may have happened before I even registered for that race. I remember feeling so low last January (for a number of reasons) and thinking that a big goal was just what I needed to give myself a swift kick in the butt. But that didn’t really work and my training was inconsistent and then I ended up injuring myself half way through the marathon. womp womp.

It actually is crazy to me that I ever was consistent with training and enjoyed it. I read a few logs I had from back when I first started running and it blows my mind that I would go to the gym through snow or finish running despite the rain. Nowadays, if I see clouds on the forecast I’m like “hmmm, guess I’m not doing anything but getting take out.”

I think after my first year or two of running, my motivation started dropping off, which occurred hand in hand with life just getting busier and my anxiety getting less manageable. But, I didn’t want to admit it. It just seemed like I was such failure. Like, if I didn’t love running anymore, it was yet another endeavor I had given up on.

And yet, at the same time, I didn’t feel(/don’t feel?) like I had given up on it or stopped loving it. I still had and have really big goals for myself, I’m just not motivated to put in the work. Life got hard and I got soft.

I know that sounds stupid, but it’s the truth.

I keep waiting to feel motivated or for something to inspire me. And frankly, I’m wasting time waiting. My fitness is suffering. My confidence is suffering. The person who I was in 2014 is slowly fading away, and if I don’t make a change, I may never get back to her again.

That scares me, so I can’t keep waiting. I have to make a change, and since it seems like motivation isn’t coming anytime soon, I’m just going to have to force myself to do it. No more waiting for inspiration. No more waiting for a new year or month or week to “reset” my system. No more waiting for a big race to rev my engines. I just have to do it and hope that consistency will be the change I need.

I know I’m going to hate it at times and that it will be hard. But I also know that it’s possible for me to love it, because I have before.

I’d also like to come back to this space. I’m not saying you’ll get weekly recaps out of me or anything like that. Or maybe you will. Who know. I just want to have something to read and look back on, because when I read those posts from when I first started running, it’s a wonderful reminder of what I can do.

So here I am. Let’s see what happens.

 

Thinking-Out-Loud2

Also, big thanks to Spoons for always hosting Thinking Out Loud, because there’s really no nice category for this blabber-fest I just created haha

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